Pain comes in many forms.
Foot pain. Head pain. Tooth pain. Pains of anger. Pains of the heart. Growing pains.
I never realised until this week how painful pain can be. And it isn’t even me who is experiencing it.
If you have ever had any kind of serious health diagnosis, you probably understand the immediate need to reach for the internet and check the facts. You feel compelled to research its mysterious features more, to find out every minor detail of this thing that has been mercilessly thrown upon you.
When we researched Myelofibrosis we thought we had unturned every stone. Identified the symptoms. Armed ourselves ready for the fight.
But what we weren’t prepared for were the underhand tactics.
Like every good boxer this dastardly disorder has more than one string to his bow. He likes to catch you unaware. Push you to your limits. Weaken your reserves.
Earlier this year it was a pain in the right arm and shoulder. Excruciating, uncomfortable, sharp stabbing pains.
We were shocked to find out this was actually a mild form of pulmonary hypertension. We weren’t prepared for that one.
Now it’s a pain in the right leg which started as an intermittent spasm, and progressed to a constant burning, itching cramp which never lets up.
We are still waiting to find out the answer to this one.
In the last few months my husband has had X rays, Doppler studies, an MIR scan, blood tests and numerous examinations. He’s had every kind of pain killer you can imagine.
But the pain is still as rampant as ever.
At the moment he is taking liquid morphine, which upset him a bit at first. Morphine is a drug that many of us associate with death and the end of a life. This doesn’t seem right. It’s not his time yet.
Our next hope is the pain clinic. As we speak we are patiently waiting for the appointment letter to drop onto the mat.
Because with every flinch, every wince, every spasm of pain I see my husband experience, I feel it too.
I watch what it is doing to his body, I see what it is doing to his strength and I feel it too.
We experience the pain together and we fight it as a united front.